Marital Problems/Counseling

Feeling Heard

The most common problem for all intimate relationships, especially marriages comes from one or both partners not feeling heard. Being heard goes beyond the overarching ability to communicate, or even just the ability to listen without interrupting. It is the ability to suspend one’s own agenda to really take in the other’s experience: what they think, what they feel and why, and how the situation affected them. This requires putting aside for the moment how we can relate to their experience, and even how we are going to respond to our partner.

When we are able to help another person feel heard then we are communicating that we are truly invested in them and their experience. We are saying, I value you. When people feel heard they feel cared about, respected, valued, and loved. If our intimate others don’t get this basic need met then emotional distance is created. Resentments are stored up and anger builds, even greater emotional distance is created until people feel lost and lonely in what is supposed to be their safest and most intimate relationship. Moreover, the longer we go feeling unheard the more likely it is that we will go to others to feel heard.

Experience with couples has shown that most of the time people are more invested in feeling heard than in trying to hear one another. And that over time their busy lives (responsibilities such as work, children, bills, and their homes) take priority over the most important time in the day---a few minutes to hear and feel heard. This is a nurturing and loving gift to our significant others that is the foundation for enduring and healthy relationships.

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